Dealing with Issues - Total Loss of Sexual desire
First, all relationships tend to see less sexual activity as time goes on. You start out having sex four times a day, then go to four times a week, then four times a month. It happens because of a number of factors - the 'new lust' effect wears off, your bodies age, your energy level decreases. That's a normal progression.
Also, many couples find that they have less sex after being married for a while. For some, marriage is a huge mental change from dating. Dating is 'fun' and sex is exciting. But for many people, marriage is 'boring', it's what their parents were. Most people don't like to think of their parents as having sex. So while having sex with a 'girlfriend' is fun, having sex with a 'wife' just is sort of ... icky. A wife is for *loving*, for snuggling with, for having dinners together and watching TV with. But wives aren't for having sex with. It's the whole madonna/whore thing, and it's very, very normal.
Even so, it's still healthy to have SOME sex in your life. The act of sex releases hormones, releases stress, promotes intimacy, brings pleasure. It's a vital part of a relationship. If you two used to enjoy sex together, and now one of you still wants sex and the other is completely against it, it's really time to discuss it. Don't just keep dancing around the issue. It will truly eat away the relationship completely if one person constantly feels 'turned down' because the other is not interested at all.
Find a quiet evening, just you two. Eat a good meal and sit together by the fire or close together on the couch. Then bring up the topic as a proactive way you two, together, can address a serious issue. It's not that something is "wrong" with your partner. It's that your relationship has a bad situation that needs to be worked on. Sex is not just an "add on" to a relationship. It's a core need, just like eating and sleeping is a need. If one person has a need for it and the other person ignores it, the relationship has a serious flaw.
Couples who are in love should want to please each other. Even if I don't love bowling, I would still consider going bowling with my partner every once in a while if he really enjoys it. I would do it to bring him pleasure. It's not that I would feel FORCED to. It's that I would honestly want to, because I enjoy having fun with him. So if your partner actively refuses sex constantly, something is going on.
If your partner really can't tell you WHY, they just feel the do NOT want to have sex, it might be time for a therapist. There is something serious underlying this feeling, and a therapist might help your partner work through what it is. Here are some of the more common reasons that people feel a loss of sexual desire:
Anger with the Partner
Sharing your body fully with someone else is a very intimate act. It is the ultimate act of sharing. If someone is angry - even subconsciously - they may not wish to fully share themselves any more. It may just be a 'you can't have me' attitude, or it can even be a 'I'm going to punish you' attitude. People who find their partner cheating often can't stand to sleep with them again, for instance. Or if a husband came home late every night for 2 weeks, the wife might turn a cold shoulder to advances. Talk openly with your partner, and show your full willingness to address any issues he or she might have. See if your partner is harboring any resentments.
Health and Diet
Sex after all is a physical activity and requires some degree of energy. If your partner doesn't get interested in sex, and just lays on the couch or rolls over in bed, maybe they don't have enough energy to participate. Make sure you both are eating healthily - not huge, filling meals, but light, healthy meals. Find ways to exercise, even if they just involve walks together. The more healthy a person's body is, the more healthy their sex life tends to be.
Hormones and Medication
Everybody's hormones change over time. Some women that go through menopause lose all desire for sex because of the hormone changes their bodies go through. Some men feel this way as well. Younger men and women can have the same thing happen to them, especially if they're taking some medications. If the change in sexual desire happened in a given range of time, look into any medication or hormone issues.
Depression
Sex is about feeling good about yourself and wanting to share that with your partner. If you hate your life or hate your body, it's hard to become enthusiastic about having that unhappy state intrude on another person. Depression causes an entire wealth of problems and sex is only one of them. If your partner is depressed, definitely look into a minister or priest or therapist to talk your partner through his or her issues.
The first step is to talk to your partner, when you both can talk honestly and openly. Discuss that this is a problem to face together, that it is a problem many people have. Sex in the City even did an entire season with one character - Charlotte - having this issue with her husband. There are many causes, and it's a matter of figuring out what the cause is in your situation. Talk to your doctor, and see if the doctor sees something that might be causing it. If you cannot seem to figure out the cause and/or a solution together, and it seems it might be an emotional situation, bring in a priest, minister, therapist, or other person who is skilled in this area. You might find that the solution is relatively easy, and that you two return to having a fulfilling sex life and closer relationship in a short while! You must take that first step, though, and work on the issue together.
Good luck!
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