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Personal Advice @ FlirtingClass
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Featured Question:
I've been married for ten months. My husband used to want sex with me when we were dating, but now he isn't interested any more. When I try to act sexy towards him, he just pushes me away. Help!
Answer:
Well, first, assuming men want sex all the time is just like assuming women never want sex. Neither one is even remotely true. There are men with all ranges of sexual desire, and women with all ranges. Also, the beginning of any relationship is always peak sexual time for both people, and it will never be that peak afterwards. It will always settle down into a normal pattern for the two people.
Add in to that that for many people, marriage is a huge mental change from dating. Dating is 'fun' and sex is exciting. But for many people, marriage is 'boring', it's what their parents were. Most people don't like to think of their parents as having sex. So while having sex with a 'girlfriend' is fun, having sex with a 'wife' just is sort of ... icky. A wife is for *loving*, for snuggling with, for having dinners together and watching TV with. But wives aren't for having sex with. It's the whole madonna/whore thing, and it's very, very normal.
So anyway, you have a disconnect. You are able to see your 'husband' as a sex partner, and your libido is such that you want sex. Your husband maybe has troubles seeing a 'wife' as a sex partner. And maybe his 'normal' libido is just low. Lots of guys have low sex drive. So the more you pressure him, the more he sees you both as a 'nagging wife' and the more he feels 'abnormal' for a guy which makes him even less wanting to think about the subject at all.
Do you watch Sex in the City on HBO? This is the exact situation that one of the female characters was in. They had a whole year about this relationship, and the things she tried.
So in essence it's in his mind, and in his body. Most people simply aren't sexually matched well. One usually wants more than the other. So first, accept that you just want more than he does. But SOME sex is still part of a healthy relationship. And relationships are all about honest, open communication. If you can't talk about this, then it doesn't bode well for more serious talks in the future. So get talking! Sit down with him one evening after a delicious meal and while you're sipping say Champagne by a fire. Suggest in a supportive way that you would like to know what really turns him on, because healthy sex is really important to a couple staying together.
He can respond in several ways. One, he could actually tell you! The things YOU think are sexy, he may simply not find sexy. You need to find out what HE enjoys and do those things. You might think it's a teddy bear nighty. He might think that's really sleazy and instead love silk PJs. Find out.
Second, he could say he doesn't want to talk about it. Well, I'm afraid relationships can't survive if people can't discuss things that are wrong. And if one of you wants sex and the other is actively refusing it even though you had sex previously, that's something that is wrong. Healthy sex is part of a healthy relationship. Maybe suggest talking to a therapist, or priest, or whoever you have as part of your relationship that can be a third party to help. But it can't just be 'ignored', it won't get 'better'. If you have something like this eating at you, it's going to affect your entire relationship. And the fact that you have an issue and he is unwilling to even *talk* about it never mind help you resolve it doesn't bode well for joint efforts in resolving other serious problems that might come up. No relationship is ever smooth - what gets you through the years is working with each other, being honest with each other, and caring enough about each other to discuss difficult situations and find a solution you can BOTH live with. For him to say "sorry I don't care that you have these desires, I won't talk about it" is not meeting you even partway on the issue.
Good luck!
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